May 13, 2023
The Banana; No longer just for the apes, now for human consumption too! Coming soon to a 7/11 near you. Batteries not included.
The Banana is an elusive fruit. Grown in the deep, dense jungle, primeval along the equator, the fruit has been sought after for centuries by the great powers of the world as a sign of prosperity and power in the political sphere. The Banana has grown beyond this identity in recent years, however, and has rapidly become a food not just for kings, but also for the people.
Humankind has extended beyond the need to cower behind the inaccessibility that once ruled the Banana Mafia. We now can cack the foreboding yellow fortresses protecting the fruit like the Walls of Jericho, and feast on the sweet mush within. Although this mush is quite the delicacy, one must ask, “Is all this toil and work worth the mushy fruit which lies within?” This author says no.
As someone who has eaten eight bananas in one day, in addition to eating bananas as one of his major food groups, I can safely say that bananas are not a good fruit. They just really don’t taste that good. Have you ever had a banana flavored anything? Yeah, it f*cking sucks. It’s just not good. And don’t lie to yourself and say that you “LiKe ThE fLaVor.” You don’t. And if you do? Then you probably ate raisins for “dessert” when you were a kid, so your opinion means both jack and sh*t. Everyone knows that the Banana Laffy Taffy is the worst flavor and not enough people are willing to say it.
However, if bananas taste so bad while still hiding behind their towering Theodosian wall of potassium, locking away the great knowledge of the fruit for all…why do we keep going back to them? Are bananas the newest threat facing the addiction crisis today? Are they worth the copious colonialism used to seize banana production in Latin America by the U.S. Marines through the first half of the 20th century? Well, yeah, they are. As terrible as bananas are, you just can’t beat that convenience. You’re running late? BOOM! Grab a banana and you’re good to go. Don’t have a storage container? Doesn’t matter, pop that thing in your bag and you’re ready to go. Don’t have access to a trash can? Disposable peel, the world is your trash can now. The ease of access of the Banana is truly unbeaten, and anyone who says otherwise is an a**hole.
People also complain about “bruises” and “brown spots” on bananas, which is further proof that the misinformation surrounding the Banana. Don’t get me wrong, these spots are certainly ugly and don’t look good, but do they ruin the Banana as a fruit? No! The Banana is still redeemable! Anyone who refuses to eat a Banana because of a bruise is either a child or from California. Just cut that shit off and eat away if it bothers you so much!
Opening a banana is also a uniquely powerful experience. Like our primate ancestors millennia ago, we must work and fight to earn the mush within. We cannot just raw-dog it like you can an apple or a pear without preparation; you must earn your prize. Tearing down the foreboding yellow ramparts of fructose like we are great warriors at the end of a many months-long siege. It is a unique primate experience, and as humans, we must embrace our destructive nature and free the Bananas from the burden of existence.
The Banana, for any of its many, MANY flaws, and for being a really terrible fruit, is truly an elite piece of dining and it deserves to be recognized at the highest level. Hopefully, one day it will be looked upon favorably once again.