June 4, 2023
As spring sweeps across DU’s campus, hundreds of tour groups are clogging up the bridge, library, and dining hall like the pollen clogging up my sinuses. Many of these living obstacles are prospective or admitted students looking to continue their academic and drug-use careers at the University of Denver.
Our sharper eyed readers may have noticed that many of these prospective or admitted students are short men. After noticing this, one might roll their eyes and make a good-natured joke about how all the men at DU are short. The fact of the matter, however, is that all men at DU being short is neither good-natured or a joke.
The Quackmire can now confirm that the high density of so-called ‘short kings’ at DU is a purposeful policy undertaken by Chancellor Jeremy Haefner to ensure that short kings from across America receive preferential acceptance rates.
Haefner, a noted short king himself, explained the policy in an internal email obtained by the Quackmire: “as a young, under six-foot student attending the University of Wisconsin, I was intimidated by the pure size and raw masculine power of men over six-feet-tall. This made it difficult for me to put myself out there and meet ladies at the Kollege Klub. I don’t want DU students to experience the same trauma I did, which is why I’ve instituted a policy of affirmative action for short kings.”
The Chancellor’s policy of affirmative action for short kings has lowered DU’s average male height from 6’1” in 2018 to 5’6” in 2023. According to statistics analyzed by the Quackmire Investigative Reporting Team, the average height of the class of 2027 is projected to be 5’4”, with women actually bringing that average up by a striking two inches.
When we finally broke down the pillow-fort barricade Chancellor Haefner had built to keep out reporters questioning his divestment policies, he told us that “size doesn’t matter.”