April 28, 2023
Gators. Old people smell. Interstate intrigue.
Last Saturday, two Clarion reporters were arrested and detained on espionage charges in St. Petersburg, Florida. The two reporters, Roberta Gilderbrende and Mildred Stalytiverias, were conducting an in-depth investigation into the financial assets of the Florida Man and possible links to the DeSantis administration and Ellen Degenerous.
Gilderbrende and Stalytiverias were reportedly on the cusp of a major discovery when Gov. Ron DeSantis personally zip-tied them while they were sitting in a Taco Bell drive-through. They are reportedly being held at Panhandle Penitentiary, where DeSantis has taken charge of the investigation and interrogation.
In addition to arresting them, DeSantis reportedly ate Gilderbrende and Stalytiverias’ crunch wraps and cinnamon twists. He didn’t even let them finish their Baja Blasts.
DeSantis says he is “safeguarding” the human rights of journalists everywhere by preventing these reporters from making false claims of human rights abuses while in detention.
In response to national pressure to protect press freedom and its student journalists, the DU administration has responded valiantly by offering an assortment of non-tenured faculty in a potential hostage trade. The administration has also allegedly floated vouchers to the DU bookstore to sweeten the deal.